The Track And The Tits
Bucks mission brief
The track is booked out for your crew only, from the first practice lap through qualifying to the grand final that settles who's driving the piss-take for the rest of the night. From there it's straight through to a private bar with its own bartender working the room, a topless waitress on the clock for the whole sitting, and not a queue in sight. Food and a drink of your own choosing land next, then the reserved seats waiting inside a waterfront nightclub, cocktails on the house list. The buck gets doubled up on drinks, twice over, while the rest of the crew never stops moving from one arranged stop to the next. Whoever loses the grand final can argue about it all night.
Game Plan
$349.00 per person, based on 10 attendees.
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All of your package customisations will show up right here!There's a version of this day where the group spends the first hour arguing about who's driving what and the rest of it arguing about the result. This isn't that version. The track is booked out for the group alone, no other crews sharing the tarmac, no queue for a kart while someone else finishes their lap. Suit up, strap in, and the argument starts properly.
Nobody's standing around a hire desk working out whether there's enough karts to go round, and nobody's had to ring three tracks to find one that'll actually take a group this size on a Saturday. That's already sorted. All that's left is turning up.
It runs in three parts. A practice lap to learn the corners and size up the competition, a qualifying heat to sort out who's got any right to be cocky about it, and a grand final that decides the whole thing properly. The winner walks off with a prize. The loser walks off with a nickname that's going to outlast the trophy by several years, and the group already knows whose shotgun privileges are under review.
From the track, the crew is moved straight to the next stop in one private transfer, no standing on a corner waiting for a taxi that's meant to fit ten. The Track And The Tits doesn't hang around working out which half of its own name comes first: the track's had its say, and now it's the other half's turn.
The room at the bar is locked in for the group alone, with its own bartender pouring so nobody's fighting the crowd for a drink. The first round's already sitting there on arrival, and for a minute it's just the crew, a full glass each, and the noise of the group finally being off the clock.
Then the room changes gear. For the next two hours, the group's got their own topless waitress working it, and she's not hovering at the edges waiting to be told what to do. She's in it: refilling glasses before anyone thinks to ask, needling whoever looks like they need needling, and making sure the buck spends more of the next two hours being the centre of attention than he's comfortable with. Sass first, service second. Nobody's watching the door for the next thing to happen, because the next thing is already happening in front of them.
Food lands at the next stop, proper pub food, everyone picking their own plate and their own drink, no group vote required. The buck gets his on the house, first of two on the night, because the man leading the send-off doesn't pay for his own round.
Last stop is the reserved seats inside a waterfront nightclub, jug already on the table and a second bonus round waiting for the buck the second he sits down. The discounted cocktail list is there for anyone who wants to keep the night moving past beer o'clock. This is the bit where the group stops checking their phones for the next move, because there isn't one. They're just in it.
You didn't spend the day fielding messages about where everyone's meeting or whether the karting place actually took the booking. You were on the track same as everyone else, then in the room, then in the booth, and the only thing anyone's going to remember organising is that you got the call right.
One Track And The Tits runs per crew, per date, track and room and booth held as one continuous booking, not split across three separate favours you had to call in yourself. So check your date now, before the version of this day where you're the one still arguing about who's driving becomes the only one left.